We lay in bed at night and talk. We ask each other questions. I ask M what he wants and he simply says that he wants for me to be happy. Happy! Happiness seems too elusive an emotion for me. I rarely feel happy these days. How can I feel happy when I am so dissatisfied with my life, with myself, with my realtionships, with my living location? I ask M to want something else, to ask me something different. He seems frustrated with my inability to just be happy. He says that I am complicated.
We bicker, we argue. I blame him for my boring life. He says he is doing the best he can, but ultimately, I am responsible for making my own happiness. If I am unhappy with my life I need to change it, do things that are more meaningful, more interesting, more stimulating. I complain, I turn my back on him and shut him out, I am angry with him, but a secret little part of me knows that he is correct.
How did this come to be? There was a time when my life seemed so full, of activities, of friends, of ideas, of potential. Maybe this is mid-life crisis, but I have recently realized that life is whizzing by me and I need to gain control of my life again. On the quick slide to 50, there is no more putting off my life, it's now or never. So....my New Year's resolution to be intentional about my life. I must admit that so far I have more intentional about my life, more activities, more positive, more organized, more creative, and I think I am feeling better. I have been watching my eating habits, and trying to only eat when I'm hungry and not out of boredom or eating my unhappiness.
Yesterday I stepped on the scales and I am down about 25 lbs, a drop in the bucket, but I have not seen this weight since shortly after my car accident almost ten years ago. Ten years! All of a sudden I became very emotional and realized that it had been almost ten years since I had really been happy. I was in that horrible accident and I think that I never realized it crushed my spirit as well as my body. My body, for the most part, healed in a year....but my spirit...it has been hurting a long time. It was an epiphany moment....I have lost ten years....but now the fog has lifted. For the first time in what seems like an eternity, I felt hopeful about my life, not weighed down by sorrow....I felt....happy!
The lost ten years....I never can recapture them. What's past is past, but if I dwell on them, then I stay in the darkness. There was much sadness, loss, and disappointment in that time. I let my family down. I let my friends down. Mostly I let myself down. But even in the despair, there were bright moments. Those are the memories I choose to focus on, those are the times I choose to remember.
The darkness lives with me always, it's my constant companion. But we all have baggage we carry with us in life. It will never go away, but now I will travel through life with me leading the way and making the decisions, not the darkness.
And yesterday? Well, yesterday I looked at my life and what I felt was happy. Happy! No specific reason. No mountain-top experience. Just a normal day in a normal life that I was happy with. No one other person had to make it happen, it just came from within me.
I texted M and told him that I felt happy. He replied that if I was happy then he was happy. It was a good day!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Updates
Well, I have been intentional and I have been keeping busy. So busy, in fact, that I have not been intentional about posting to this blog. :) and :( . Update on projects....finished the formal gowns....barely....picking out the last basting stitches a few hours before the were to be worn. Being the perfectionist that I am, I thought that the dresses could have been better. I felt rushed and made mistakes. The process did make me realize that I enjoy being busy, I like sewing but have much to learn, the internet is a great tool when I am stuck, I don't like sewing with a deadline, and my husband is very patient. In the end, the girls were pleased, they looked beautiful, and T even wants me to sew her dress for prom. I said I would....but only if we start now and have time to make a muslin first to iron out all the wrinkles before we start on the real deal.
Formal day itself was a united effort. M was a terrific help by taking T and S all over town, pedicure and manicure, make-up at the department store, updo at the salon, I even think they went into Frederick's of Hollywood to pick up some special underwear to avoid VPL. He was patient and good-natured and took pictures and posted to FB about his day. I got up early and went grocery shopping, cleaned house, set a beautiful table in whites and golds, and then began cooking with my mom alongside. The girls arrived, donned their dresses, and then all the other teens and assorted parents arrived. Mass mayhem with pictures, parents left, served dinner, and thankfully it was a meal enjoyed by all. Kids left, parents left, husband left.
I changed into my pajamas and realized that this was the first time in over a week that I didn't have a knot in the middle of my stomach. Too much stress and now I remember how much I don't like that feeling! So the goal is busy, but not so busy that it upsets stomach! On the upside....in two weeks I've lost about 8 pounds.
Since formal, I've begun and almost completed a batik purse (items purchased 18 months ago), and started a granny square afghan from yarn that my mother gave me over 4 years ago that originally she purchased to have someone else make and afghan for my aunt. These projects feel more relaxed...and I like that better!
Final analysis...busy=good ..... too busy=stress=not good.
Formal day itself was a united effort. M was a terrific help by taking T and S all over town, pedicure and manicure, make-up at the department store, updo at the salon, I even think they went into Frederick's of Hollywood to pick up some special underwear to avoid VPL. He was patient and good-natured and took pictures and posted to FB about his day. I got up early and went grocery shopping, cleaned house, set a beautiful table in whites and golds, and then began cooking with my mom alongside. The girls arrived, donned their dresses, and then all the other teens and assorted parents arrived. Mass mayhem with pictures, parents left, served dinner, and thankfully it was a meal enjoyed by all. Kids left, parents left, husband left.
I changed into my pajamas and realized that this was the first time in over a week that I didn't have a knot in the middle of my stomach. Too much stress and now I remember how much I don't like that feeling! So the goal is busy, but not so busy that it upsets stomach! On the upside....in two weeks I've lost about 8 pounds.
Since formal, I've begun and almost completed a batik purse (items purchased 18 months ago), and started a granny square afghan from yarn that my mother gave me over 4 years ago that originally she purchased to have someone else make and afghan for my aunt. These projects feel more relaxed...and I like that better!
Final analysis...busy=good ..... too busy=stress=not good.
Monday, January 11, 2010
A Busy Cubed Is A Happy Cubed
I can honestly say that I have had one of the most fulfilling weekends that I have recently experienced. And I really didn't do anything special or even leave the house, except to run to Starbucks this evening. What I did do was have the right mix of activity, relaxation, and intimate time with my husband.
On the activity side....at the end of the weekend I have one perfectly fitted Audrey Heprburn sheath that I will now use as a template to create one perfectly fitted Audrey Hepburn gown. The Pretty In Pink dress has been totally re-worked so that it barely resembles the pattern it started from. It no longer looks like something Barbie threw up and now looks like a princess dress. We are now calling it the Charlotte dress from The Princess and The Frog and are scheduling an appointment for a blonde job and thinking of a tiara. On the homefront, despite all the haute couture in the house, I managed to keep the house picked up, cook three amazing dinner meals, and complete ALL the laundry so we are starting the week fairly stress-free. Praise to my husband and daughter; they helped with dishes, picked up after themselves, and did the grocery shopping.
For relaxation, I managed to watch two movies that I have had from Netflix for 3 months! Three months! I have NOT been intentional about in that area of my life, have I? Frost/Nixon and Milk were both thought provoking and dealt with serious isuuses, but I enjoyed taking the time to watch them. I also enjoyed sleeping in until 10AM each morning.... easier to be productive when I am well rested.
As for intimate time....well my husband and I took a late Saturday afternoon "nap" and stayed up quite late Saturday evening to "talk about birthday presents". All I will say is that they were both very productive and satisfying. :) Also, we ended up eating dinner alone on both Saturday and Sunday evening. I can't decide if they were to mini-dates or practice for being empty-nesters. It was nice to have the time to talk without teens at the table but it did prompt some serious discussion regarding how we will deal with life after our daughter graduates high school this year. I think I am feeling the potential loss less than my husband at this point but we did have constructive conversation about activities and things we hope to do in the near future.
And what can I glean from all of this? A busy Cubed is a happy Cubed. I feel more in control and more productive if the house is neat and well-organized. Note....I did not say "clean"....just being neat is enough on a weekend with so much going on. Having a stimulating and creative project makes me happy and leaves me with a good sense of accomplishment. My husband is a great provider and a willing helper, but it's important to make him feel like he is the top priority for some of each day. Take some time each day for rest, refelection, and relaxing. This weekend makes a good template for how to live my life!
On the activity side....at the end of the weekend I have one perfectly fitted Audrey Heprburn sheath that I will now use as a template to create one perfectly fitted Audrey Hepburn gown. The Pretty In Pink dress has been totally re-worked so that it barely resembles the pattern it started from. It no longer looks like something Barbie threw up and now looks like a princess dress. We are now calling it the Charlotte dress from The Princess and The Frog and are scheduling an appointment for a blonde job and thinking of a tiara. On the homefront, despite all the haute couture in the house, I managed to keep the house picked up, cook three amazing dinner meals, and complete ALL the laundry so we are starting the week fairly stress-free. Praise to my husband and daughter; they helped with dishes, picked up after themselves, and did the grocery shopping.
For relaxation, I managed to watch two movies that I have had from Netflix for 3 months! Three months! I have NOT been intentional about in that area of my life, have I? Frost/Nixon and Milk were both thought provoking and dealt with serious isuuses, but I enjoyed taking the time to watch them. I also enjoyed sleeping in until 10AM each morning.... easier to be productive when I am well rested.
As for intimate time....well my husband and I took a late Saturday afternoon "nap" and stayed up quite late Saturday evening to "talk about birthday presents". All I will say is that they were both very productive and satisfying. :) Also, we ended up eating dinner alone on both Saturday and Sunday evening. I can't decide if they were to mini-dates or practice for being empty-nesters. It was nice to have the time to talk without teens at the table but it did prompt some serious discussion regarding how we will deal with life after our daughter graduates high school this year. I think I am feeling the potential loss less than my husband at this point but we did have constructive conversation about activities and things we hope to do in the near future.
And what can I glean from all of this? A busy Cubed is a happy Cubed. I feel more in control and more productive if the house is neat and well-organized. Note....I did not say "clean"....just being neat is enough on a weekend with so much going on. Having a stimulating and creative project makes me happy and leaves me with a good sense of accomplishment. My husband is a great provider and a willing helper, but it's important to make him feel like he is the top priority for some of each day. Take some time each day for rest, refelection, and relaxing. This weekend makes a good template for how to live my life!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
A Relationship With Food
The following is an excerpt from a letter written today, describing my life to a long-lost friend...
I am still an active volunteer at our church, mainly by feeding the flock. I prepare dinner every Wednesday evening as a part of our mid-week choir practices and Bible studies. I also cook for the Senior Luncheon once or twice a month. You can often find me cooking, again, at many of the special meals throughout the year. My next special event will be a Valentine Luncheon for the seniors (about 120) that I have been doing for that last few years. I led a Disciple 4 class a few years ago, and found that very spiritually challenging and fulfilling, but I seem to gravitate back to the kitchen.
Some may think that being stuck in the kitchen is not much of a ministry….but I disagree….that is where God has called me to be and that is where I am. Did you ever notice how many stories in both the Old and New Testaments involve God’s people gathered for a meal? Our Wednesday evening program was all but dead two years ago. God told me to go in and cook dinner, no matter if people could pay or not. Providing a meal seems like such a small thing but it has been huge. Existing classes grew in size, more classes were added. This year they began programming for children and middle school children. We accept donations on an honor system but I welcome all to eat, even the few indigent people that occasionally appear. I know that other people are not thrilled about that….but, oh well. I don’t recall the scripture that says “Feed my sheep, but only if they can pay”. In the end, it’s all good. Everyone gets fed on Wednesday, spiritually and physically, and our dinners have become self-supporting.
People often drift into the kitchen to thank me….but really I thank them! It would feel hopeless if I cooked and no one showed up. Some people think it is a burden for me….but I don’t look at it that way at all. Wednesday is my favorite day of the week, and my time in the kitchen feels more like a blessing to me. I feel God’s love pouring though me and then on to others. I operate an “open kitchen” and people of all ages come and hang out in the kitchen, help, talk, laugh, share their struggles, express ideas, share their faith, etc. Sometimes I am feeding more than their stomachs, and always they are feeding my soul!
....this reminds me of an antecdote from many years ago...
My husband would come home from work most summer evenings to find all of the neighborhood children and most of their mothers playing and visiting in our front yard. Parents of young children, a new mortgage, and still paying off school loans, we were on a tight budget with little left over for "extras". Often I was dolling out snacks to the children. Most mothers would bring a treat to be shared by all every now and then, but a few never contributed anything. Once, as we came into the house, my husband sternly and somewhat sarcastically asked me "Do you have to always feed everyone in the neighborhood?" I looked him and answered "Yes, as a matter of fact I do!" He calmed down....and it was the last time he ever complained about my compulsion to feed people. Through the years, he has cheerfully and financially supported my "need to feed", has been gracious about my time spent away from the family, and welcomed an unending parade of unexpected dinner guests that show up at the dinner table.
.....just a few thoughts on my ongoing relationship with food.
I am still an active volunteer at our church, mainly by feeding the flock. I prepare dinner every Wednesday evening as a part of our mid-week choir practices and Bible studies. I also cook for the Senior Luncheon once or twice a month. You can often find me cooking, again, at many of the special meals throughout the year. My next special event will be a Valentine Luncheon for the seniors (about 120) that I have been doing for that last few years. I led a Disciple 4 class a few years ago, and found that very spiritually challenging and fulfilling, but I seem to gravitate back to the kitchen.
Some may think that being stuck in the kitchen is not much of a ministry….but I disagree….that is where God has called me to be and that is where I am. Did you ever notice how many stories in both the Old and New Testaments involve God’s people gathered for a meal? Our Wednesday evening program was all but dead two years ago. God told me to go in and cook dinner, no matter if people could pay or not. Providing a meal seems like such a small thing but it has been huge. Existing classes grew in size, more classes were added. This year they began programming for children and middle school children. We accept donations on an honor system but I welcome all to eat, even the few indigent people that occasionally appear. I know that other people are not thrilled about that….but, oh well. I don’t recall the scripture that says “Feed my sheep, but only if they can pay”. In the end, it’s all good. Everyone gets fed on Wednesday, spiritually and physically, and our dinners have become self-supporting.
People often drift into the kitchen to thank me….but really I thank them! It would feel hopeless if I cooked and no one showed up. Some people think it is a burden for me….but I don’t look at it that way at all. Wednesday is my favorite day of the week, and my time in the kitchen feels more like a blessing to me. I feel God’s love pouring though me and then on to others. I operate an “open kitchen” and people of all ages come and hang out in the kitchen, help, talk, laugh, share their struggles, express ideas, share their faith, etc. Sometimes I am feeding more than their stomachs, and always they are feeding my soul!
....this reminds me of an antecdote from many years ago...
My husband would come home from work most summer evenings to find all of the neighborhood children and most of their mothers playing and visiting in our front yard. Parents of young children, a new mortgage, and still paying off school loans, we were on a tight budget with little left over for "extras". Often I was dolling out snacks to the children. Most mothers would bring a treat to be shared by all every now and then, but a few never contributed anything. Once, as we came into the house, my husband sternly and somewhat sarcastically asked me "Do you have to always feed everyone in the neighborhood?" I looked him and answered "Yes, as a matter of fact I do!" He calmed down....and it was the last time he ever complained about my compulsion to feed people. Through the years, he has cheerfully and financially supported my "need to feed", has been gracious about my time spent away from the family, and welcomed an unending parade of unexpected dinner guests that show up at the dinner table.
.....just a few thoughts on my ongoing relationship with food.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Did Edward Scissorhands Ever Feel Overwhelmed?
A flurry of patterns, pins, fabric, and measurements accompanied by the snipping and slashing of sharp shears has left me ready to start sewing dresses in the morning....and I feel panicked and sick to my stomach!
One dress needs to be form fitting. Boning in the second dress looks like it requires a licensed architect. Why do I do this to myself? It's a repeating pattern (and I don't mean one for a dress!). I have great ideas and good intentions, but when push comes to shove, I procrastinate, realize I don't have the talent or skills required, and then because I have left it to the last minute, I have to go through with it because there is no backup plan and giving up is not an option! Especially when two 17 year old girls are depending on me to wave my magic wand and create beautiful ball gowns out of a tangle of discount fabric and a 30+ year old sewing machine.
The real issue here (and with other projects) is not my lack of aptitude or ability to learn a task, but my lack of working in a timely manner! I feel so great when I finish something early...I am empowered, confident, relaxed...it's such an visceral "high" that I don't know why I continue to procrastinate.
Too late to get an early start on this project, but as part of my "intentional" theme this year....I intend to get an early start on my next project. I could come up with all sorts of pithy sayings or motivational prompts, but really what good would they do? Just a lot of wasted time, especially if I never put them to use! I just have to make myself get an earlier start and avoid proscrastination...can that become a habit? I hope so.
Back to the formal gown project....I have to complete it now that I have set the ball in motion. How? Prioritize. Set goals for each of the next seven days. Start early each day so I have time if I run into a challenge and need help. Let wait things that can be dealt with after Formal. Keep a sense of humor and a positive attitude, especially with my "clients" and my husband. Cut corners in other areas of my life where I can. In that vein, I ordered dinner from CPK and sent my daughter's boyfriend to pick it up curbside. One point for the home team. :)
This home has been turned into Project Runway....but hopefully with less drama....and no "Auf Wiedersehen". But where is Tim Gunn when I need him? Guess I will have to "make it work" all on my own.
One dress needs to be form fitting. Boning in the second dress looks like it requires a licensed architect. Why do I do this to myself? It's a repeating pattern (and I don't mean one for a dress!). I have great ideas and good intentions, but when push comes to shove, I procrastinate, realize I don't have the talent or skills required, and then because I have left it to the last minute, I have to go through with it because there is no backup plan and giving up is not an option! Especially when two 17 year old girls are depending on me to wave my magic wand and create beautiful ball gowns out of a tangle of discount fabric and a 30+ year old sewing machine.
The real issue here (and with other projects) is not my lack of aptitude or ability to learn a task, but my lack of working in a timely manner! I feel so great when I finish something early...I am empowered, confident, relaxed...it's such an visceral "high" that I don't know why I continue to procrastinate.
Too late to get an early start on this project, but as part of my "intentional" theme this year....I intend to get an early start on my next project. I could come up with all sorts of pithy sayings or motivational prompts, but really what good would they do? Just a lot of wasted time, especially if I never put them to use! I just have to make myself get an earlier start and avoid proscrastination...can that become a habit? I hope so.
Back to the formal gown project....I have to complete it now that I have set the ball in motion. How? Prioritize. Set goals for each of the next seven days. Start early each day so I have time if I run into a challenge and need help. Let wait things that can be dealt with after Formal. Keep a sense of humor and a positive attitude, especially with my "clients" and my husband. Cut corners in other areas of my life where I can. In that vein, I ordered dinner from CPK and sent my daughter's boyfriend to pick it up curbside. One point for the home team. :)
This home has been turned into Project Runway....but hopefully with less drama....and no "Auf Wiedersehen". But where is Tim Gunn when I need him? Guess I will have to "make it work" all on my own.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Today Was Nothing and Everything
Today was Epiphany.....but no epiphany moments here.....just the continual gradual realization that I am happiest when I am busiest.
Started off the day with a Rosca de Reyes, a King's cake, and coffee. A little fondling and some passionate kisses with my husband before I had to run off for a day of cooking. Toting along my new Gourmet Cookbook, as well as half my kitchen, I headed for church where I prepare a budget lunch for about 60 seniors. Today's menu: Apricot Almond Glazed Chicken Breast, Rice Pilaf, salad of Baby Greens/thinly sliced red onion/dried cranberries/mandarin oranges/mushrooms and champagne vinaigrette, Hawaiian King rolls, and Applesauce Pecan cake. A winner.
Before all the lunch dishes were washed I began dinner for all ages at our Wednesday evening program. Tonight's menu: Pork Loin chops braised in Orange and Soy, Smashed Red Potatoes with Roasted Garlic, Same salad from lunch but with the addition of leftover toasted almonds, buttered french bread, and Red Velvet or Spice cupcakes with Cream Cheese frosting. Also delicious.
Clean up, pack it all up, drive home, unpack, put it all away, put on my jammies, unwind!
What did I learn today? I feel more fulfilled when I have had a productive day. My body feels better when I have been physically active all day. I am gratified by serving others. I love to cook. And eat. And talk to many different people throughout the day. I still wish I came home to a house cleaned by a maid. My husband is thoughtful and made our bed with all the pillows in the right spots after I left this morning. He understands how I like to come home to a clean house. My daughter is still a mercurial teenager and she had total attitude meltdown on me this afternoon in front of others less than 24 hours after I had written such nice things about her. And an hour later was eating dinner with me in the kitchen as sweet and loving as she could be. And my mom has a generous spirit and shows up to help me cook, even when it isn't even her church.
Today was nothing special, no big aha moments, but it was a great day!
Started off the day with a Rosca de Reyes, a King's cake, and coffee. A little fondling and some passionate kisses with my husband before I had to run off for a day of cooking. Toting along my new Gourmet Cookbook, as well as half my kitchen, I headed for church where I prepare a budget lunch for about 60 seniors. Today's menu: Apricot Almond Glazed Chicken Breast, Rice Pilaf, salad of Baby Greens/thinly sliced red onion/dried cranberries/mandarin oranges/mushrooms and champagne vinaigrette, Hawaiian King rolls, and Applesauce Pecan cake. A winner.
Before all the lunch dishes were washed I began dinner for all ages at our Wednesday evening program. Tonight's menu: Pork Loin chops braised in Orange and Soy, Smashed Red Potatoes with Roasted Garlic, Same salad from lunch but with the addition of leftover toasted almonds, buttered french bread, and Red Velvet or Spice cupcakes with Cream Cheese frosting. Also delicious.
Clean up, pack it all up, drive home, unpack, put it all away, put on my jammies, unwind!
What did I learn today? I feel more fulfilled when I have had a productive day. My body feels better when I have been physically active all day. I am gratified by serving others. I love to cook. And eat. And talk to many different people throughout the day. I still wish I came home to a house cleaned by a maid. My husband is thoughtful and made our bed with all the pillows in the right spots after I left this morning. He understands how I like to come home to a clean house. My daughter is still a mercurial teenager and she had total attitude meltdown on me this afternoon in front of others less than 24 hours after I had written such nice things about her. And an hour later was eating dinner with me in the kitchen as sweet and loving as she could be. And my mom has a generous spirit and shows up to help me cook, even when it isn't even her church.
Today was nothing special, no big aha moments, but it was a great day!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Two Patterns, Nine Days
The time....9 days.
The goal...2 formal evening gowns.
My daughter can be egocentric, moody, shallow....in short, she is a teenager....at 17, teetering on the brink between a dependent child and a fully realized adult....a mercurial teeter-totter swinging swiftly one way and then the other without apparent provocation or reason. Just when I am sure I have failed completely as a parent, I discover a formerly unknown to me admirable quality in her.
Today I discovered she is a true friend, putting her own needs and vanity aside for another. Attending an affluent, label concious high school, the winter formal is more akin to an after the Oscars party than a dance in the school gym. The girls shop designer salons and department stores in Los Angeles and New York for that perfect one-of-a-kind evening gown. In her senior year the pressure is even greater. A divorce and the work lay-off of the custodial parent has caused one of my daughter's friends to be excluded from the "dress process". Most are unaware of her family's severe financial difficulties and she is too proud to accept charity. How to include her in the festivities while allowing her to save face? My daughter came up with the brilliant suggestion that I sew evening gowns for both of them!
Now, I have barely sewn more than a hem for the last few years, and I can't remember the last time I put in a zipper, let alone lined a dress, but....here I am...two patterns and a trip to a scary discount fabric store later....and we are in the haute couture business! My daughter will have an outrageous over-the-top Pretty In Pink Molly Ringwold kind of gown, her friend will be channeling a classy Audrey Hepburn in a form-fitting one shouldered slit cut up to there dress. At least that is the plan. They will either look fantastic or like two teen girls in home-made formal gowns. Either way, no one is excluded, no one girl will be singled out from the pack.
On the drive home after dropping the friend off this evening my daughter acknowledged that her dress is not what she had envisioned when she fantasized about her senior formal dance, but in the end it didn't really matter. Her boyfriend could care less about the dress, her good friends (wearing their designer gowns) will still enjoy her company, all of her friends and their dates will come to our house for dinner before the dance, she will have fun and dance and laugh and take a thousand pictures. And to me, she will be the most magnificent young woman of the evening. Not thanks to a designer dress, but by virtue of the radiant person within.
The goal...2 formal evening gowns.
My daughter can be egocentric, moody, shallow....in short, she is a teenager....at 17, teetering on the brink between a dependent child and a fully realized adult....a mercurial teeter-totter swinging swiftly one way and then the other without apparent provocation or reason. Just when I am sure I have failed completely as a parent, I discover a formerly unknown to me admirable quality in her.
Today I discovered she is a true friend, putting her own needs and vanity aside for another. Attending an affluent, label concious high school, the winter formal is more akin to an after the Oscars party than a dance in the school gym. The girls shop designer salons and department stores in Los Angeles and New York for that perfect one-of-a-kind evening gown. In her senior year the pressure is even greater. A divorce and the work lay-off of the custodial parent has caused one of my daughter's friends to be excluded from the "dress process". Most are unaware of her family's severe financial difficulties and she is too proud to accept charity. How to include her in the festivities while allowing her to save face? My daughter came up with the brilliant suggestion that I sew evening gowns for both of them!
Now, I have barely sewn more than a hem for the last few years, and I can't remember the last time I put in a zipper, let alone lined a dress, but....here I am...two patterns and a trip to a scary discount fabric store later....and we are in the haute couture business! My daughter will have an outrageous over-the-top Pretty In Pink Molly Ringwold kind of gown, her friend will be channeling a classy Audrey Hepburn in a form-fitting one shouldered slit cut up to there dress. At least that is the plan. They will either look fantastic or like two teen girls in home-made formal gowns. Either way, no one is excluded, no one girl will be singled out from the pack.
On the drive home after dropping the friend off this evening my daughter acknowledged that her dress is not what she had envisioned when she fantasized about her senior formal dance, but in the end it didn't really matter. Her boyfriend could care less about the dress, her good friends (wearing their designer gowns) will still enjoy her company, all of her friends and their dates will come to our house for dinner before the dance, she will have fun and dance and laugh and take a thousand pictures. And to me, she will be the most magnificent young woman of the evening. Not thanks to a designer dress, but by virtue of the radiant person within.
An Intentional Year
Starting this blog is rather like walking into a movie already begun....do you turn around and leave faced the onerous task of trying to decipher what has gone on before? Or do you just sit back and enjoy the production, hopeful that the blank spots will be filled in and the film will have other merits?
Too much water under the bridge....I begin where I am....with longevity in my family genes, about half-way (hopefully) through an unremarkable life. Perhaps a mid-life crisis or an imminent empty nest or reconnecting with old friends or a spate of deaths this last year or a scary health incident with my husband has caused me to truly take stock of my life. And what do I see? Not much....I have set out, intending to do great things, but rarely follow through. I am intelligent, curious, creative....a great "idea" person....I have a million ideas and projects and novels and quests and thoughts and pursuits....but at the end of the day, the month, the year, the decade I have nothing tangible to show. Can the quest for perfection be a failing? I think my fear of being less than perfect, writing an unsuccessful novel, not having the perfect career, not having a designer magazine worthy home, has kept me frozen and from participating fully. Fear of failure has kept me on the sidelines of my own life more comfortable with doing nothing than accomplishing something less than perfect.
Resolutions for the New Year have not been my style in the past...a laundry list of dour dos and don'ts. However, upon reflection I have decided that I will have a theme to my life this year. I resolve to be intentional....about my goals, my time, my relationships, my friendships, my faith, my joy, intentional about my life. To quote Mason Cooley, "Regret for wasted time is more wasted time", so henceforth, I intend to make this life matter....in ways small and in ways larger....but always (hopefully) with consideration and purpose.
Always urged by my family to write, here it is....imperfect amd rough and spontaneous....if I wait to get it all polished, to be worthy of a pulitzer prize, to be deep and amusing and original...it will never happen.
This is my life....I intend to live it to its fullest!
Too much water under the bridge....I begin where I am....with longevity in my family genes, about half-way (hopefully) through an unremarkable life. Perhaps a mid-life crisis or an imminent empty nest or reconnecting with old friends or a spate of deaths this last year or a scary health incident with my husband has caused me to truly take stock of my life. And what do I see? Not much....I have set out, intending to do great things, but rarely follow through. I am intelligent, curious, creative....a great "idea" person....I have a million ideas and projects and novels and quests and thoughts and pursuits....but at the end of the day, the month, the year, the decade I have nothing tangible to show. Can the quest for perfection be a failing? I think my fear of being less than perfect, writing an unsuccessful novel, not having the perfect career, not having a designer magazine worthy home, has kept me frozen and from participating fully. Fear of failure has kept me on the sidelines of my own life more comfortable with doing nothing than accomplishing something less than perfect.
Resolutions for the New Year have not been my style in the past...a laundry list of dour dos and don'ts. However, upon reflection I have decided that I will have a theme to my life this year. I resolve to be intentional....about my goals, my time, my relationships, my friendships, my faith, my joy, intentional about my life. To quote Mason Cooley, "Regret for wasted time is more wasted time", so henceforth, I intend to make this life matter....in ways small and in ways larger....but always (hopefully) with consideration and purpose.
Always urged by my family to write, here it is....imperfect amd rough and spontaneous....if I wait to get it all polished, to be worthy of a pulitzer prize, to be deep and amusing and original...it will never happen.
This is my life....I intend to live it to its fullest!
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